To the Best Friend I Had to Let Go

I've wanted to write this for a long time now. I think a lot of people have gone through losing a best friend. I've certainly lost my fair share. This one was different. This was the first time I ended a friendship. With my previous friendships, I had been mistreated and forgotten like I didn't matter. I was the one who was hurt and spent a lot of time wondering what I did wrong and why I wasn't a good enough friend anymore.

In retrospect, the loss of those friendships made me the person I am now. I've had some really great friendships and some really crappy ones. I would like to believe that I am a pretty good friend. If you're important to me then I will do absolutely anything for you. I'm known to be a pretty 'extra' person and that is pretty accurate in all aspects of my life. Exhibit A being planning to surprise my BFF for her 17th birthday by showing up to her house at an insanely early hour in the morning with presents, cake, pizza (for breakfast) and then forcing her to carry around a giant balloon to school all day. Oh, and her lunch consisting of all of her favorite junk food. I was 16 planning all of that! 

Anyway, I know that I have a pretty big heart and when I love someone I love them a lot. I try really hard to be the best friend I can be. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means but I expect the same kind of treatment from my friends. 

This is the story of how I lost my longest, oldest, childhood best friend.

So, in fifth grade I transferred schools. It was a little scary at first being the new kid transferring in the middle of the year. I was terrified about making friends and fitting in. I vividly remember my first encounter with (we'll call her) Sally. We were standing in line ready to go to the cafeteria when she told me to relax and be normal and it will be fine. We bonded straight away. 

Then Sally moved schools. It was a major bummer losing her and I felt pretty alone at school then. Everyone in my class was friendly but I knew I was the new girl that wasn't quite like everyone else and didn't have the history everyone had. 

Even though Sally moved schools we kept in contact and would have sleepovers and just have a blast. I was welcomed into her family and she was welcomed into mine. We were two peas in a pod.

Things changed again when I found out that I would be moving to Ireland. It was all very sudden, I had visited in January and we were moved in by St.Patrick's Day. Sally and everyone in my class went to my going away party which was awesome. I remember on one of my last days of school, Sally's mom dropping off a going away present for me and just feeling all kinds of loved and special. 

Moving halfway across the world was obviously a big adjustment. I was eleven years old so it wasn't exactly prime social media time either. Sally and I lost touch for a little but about three years after I moved, fate was on our side. We had gotten back in touch through Facebook and were chatting a lot. Her family had moved from Chicago to not far from where my dad had moved to down south. 

I was spending the summer with my dad and he had offered to meet Sally and her mom halfway so we could reunite and spend a couple of weeks together. It was a little awkward at first after not seeing her for so long but it didn't take long before we fell back into our old selves. It was amazing. We had a blast that summer. And the summer after that. 

I would visit my dad after Christmas and in summer and one year she surprised me by showing up at my dads door a few days before we were supposed to meet. I remember being so surprised and shocked! We always had a blast when we were together. She was a great shopping partner and good friend all in all. 

We would talk all of the time when we were apart. Probably about once a week, video chatting and skyping, I would send her postcards from my holidays. We had been best friends for about seven or eight years. We thought that it would last. That we would be each other's maid of honors and godmothers to our future children.

One summer she came to Ireland and got to meet my other best friends and see what my life was like here. We traveled a little and she even helped plan my surprise birthday party which blew me away. It was an amazing summer for the both of us, we had so much fun together. 

Sally then started dating this guy. I hadn't met him but I was happy that my best friend was happy. I remember when she first told me about them dating. I was super happy for her. Sally had called me once upset and crying after having a fight with him. I felt helpless being four-thousand miles away. I asked if she could spend the night with one of her friends when she said something devastating to me... that since dating this guy she had lost touch with all of her friends and she didn't have anyone to turn to... I advised her to try and reach out to her friends and hopefully learn her lesson to not put a boy before friends... but she hadn't. 

Two years ago, I went to visit my dad after Christmas like I did every year. I had a week to spend quality time with my dad and my best friend! But that's not what happened. I had told her what dates I was going to be in town, whatever her schedule was we were going to make it work, we always did. It didn't matter if it was one day or the whole week it was going to be worth it to see each other again. 

Sally told me that she wouldn't be able to come see me. She told me it was too far for her to go. I was upset understandably but it got worse. The night she said she couldn't make it to where I was I had seen on her social media that she had gone to a dinner with her boyfriend's work friends. I was so upset and hurt. I confronted her about it. She said that she "had" to go to this dinner and that it was too important. We didn't have any definitive plans but I had told her when I would be there so she knew to keep that week free. But she didn't. 

It was a dinner. If it was her prom or a wedding I would have understood but there are always more work events. It wasn't even her own work, it was her boyfriend's. I was even more upset now because I had felt like my childhood best friend was choosing her boyfriend over me. I only go home to America twice a year. She see's her boyfriend a hundred times more than she sees me. I thought two weeks out of fifty-two was a reasonable amount of time to request her to be away from her boyfriend and with me. But she didn't think so.

This was during the time where I was still very deeply depressed. I was at the point in my life where I had to put myself first for once instead of putting everyone else above me. 

So, I made a decision. I told her if she was going to choose to go to dinner with her boyfriend rather than spend a rare opportunity with her childhood best friend, that I couldn't be friends with her anymore. I told her that I deserved a friend who would put me first the only two times a year we get to see each other. She accepted that. She didn't fight. She didn't apologize. That was it.

I messaged Sally's mom explaining the situation to her. I told her that I loved Sally and that I'm worried about the decisions she's making and that she'll lose all of her friends. I told her that I wanted her to know so maybe she could try and talk some sense into her and look after her. I told her that she was an amazing person and she should be very proud of the daughter she raised. I explained that at this point in my life, I couldn't have someone in it that didn't prioritize me, that didn't treat me the way I would treat them. Sally's mom was very sweet about it. She said she loved me and she understood and wished nothing but the best for myself and my family. 

Fast forward two years later; I had deleted Sally from all of my social media because it was too painful. I couldn't see her living her life when I wasn't going to be apart of it again. I still see that Sally and her boyfriend follow me on Instagram. I see them watching most of my Insta-stories. It's still really sad for me. I think about Sally a lot. I think about what we've missed out on and where our friendship would be if none of it ever happened. 

I'm a huge believer in second chances. I believe people can change. I hope they can. That being said, I can forgive people but it's very hard to gain my trust back after losing it so if something drastic happened like she were to reach out to me, I would find it very very difficult to let her back into my life. 

I think a part of me is writing this hoping she'll read it and reach out and apologize. I know it's a long shot. But another reason I wanted to write this was so if anyone else has gone through losing a friend, you know you're not alone. I know losing friends is a part of life no matter how sad and upsetting it is. I want you to know that sometimes you have to do what's best for you even if that means letting people go. 

Don't prioritize anyone who doesn't prioritize you.

"If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else."- Ru Paul

Much love, Emily xxxx