Living with Depression and Anxiety
This is a post that I went back and forth with about writing. It's obviously a very personal topic but I want something positive to come from my experience. If I can help or impact just one person then writing this post will be worth it. The best way I can think of doing this is through a timeline so I'm going to start from the beginning up until now.
Just a quick disclaimer that I feel obliged to include: This post is in no way attention seeking or pity seeking. I merely want to 1) explain my absence and 2) use my experience to help people perhaps understand what it's like to have depression and anxiety and maybe help anyone who themselves are going through it.
Without any further rambling, here's my journey with depression and anxiety so far...
October/November: The Symptoms
During this time I had begun to feel symptoms that I would soon find out were all related to depression and severe anxiety.
When I was 14, I was bullied in school and isolated from friends and had to deal with the deaths of classmates. I fell into a depressed state that with the help of a couple of years of counselling, I had overcome. I had thought that part of my life was over. I would always have good days and bad days but I learned how to handle the bullying and I felt like I was going to be okay.
Starting in October, I began to feel very low. Not in the way that I was just moody or in a bad mood, but I would wake up and not want to face the world. I wanted to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and stay where I was safe. Safe from what, I don't know. Nothing happened to bring on this state. Unlike when I was 14, there was no cause for feeling this way.
I would aimlessly lie awake at night, exhausted and wanting more than anything to fall asleep but unable to. I would endure the day physically and emotionally exhausted from the moment I got up to the moment I went to bed. I was doing this all while going to college full time and working part time.
In my first year of college, I was good at it. I could sit down and bang out essays in a day and get good grades and study for weeks and do well in tests. At this point, I would sit down at a desk in the library, have my laptop open, my notebooks next to me and could not concentrate for one minute on the assignment. I still loved my course. I was still interested in my modules. For the life of me I could not concentrate which was the most frustrating thing. I tried so hard to do well in school and get good grades and despite trying my best, I couldn't do the work.
It was around this time that I reached my breaking point and my partner encouraged me to seek help. I had finally reached the point where I couldn't do it on my own anymore so I made a doctor appointment the next morning. Having gone through depression before and knowing what it was like when caused by an event or situation, I knew this was different. I couldn't function. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't do the simplest of things. And there was no cause.
December: The Diagnosis
I went to college and I went straight to the doctor afterwards on my own. I explained to her what had been going on and how I knew this was something chemically wrong in my brain. There was history of mental illness in my genetics so it wasn't a huge surprise for me to have one. I told her what was different in my life. I told her that I couldn't concentrate in school. I no longer wanted to play music. I didn't want to do makeup. I didn't want to hang out with my bestest friends and with my partner whom I still loved. I couldn't get out of bed most days. I walked around almost like a zombie. I tried to be happy but I couldn't.
She had said that every single thing I said was a classic description of anxiety and depression. Because of my history with depression and the fact that I had tried to seek help before coming to the doctor, she was happy enough to prescribe me an anti-depressant/ anti-anxiety medicine, Lexapro.
At this point, the only people who knew that I had gone to the doctor was my partner. He was very supportive about it but concerned about me doing it on my own. I hadn't wanted to tell my parents for fear that they wouldn't want me to be on medication. I had reached such a low point and knew my only option for help was medication so I felt it best to put on my big girl panties and do for myself what I needed to do.
My boyfriend's parents had expressed their concerns about me after witnessing me unlike myself. They knew something was wrong and were concerned so with my permission, he explained to them what was going on. There support at this point was huge for me.
Unfortunately, Lexapro didn't take to me very well. I was made aware that the side effects would wear off after about two weeks but they didn't. I started to breakout with some serious acne all over my face. I was extremely shakey. I was never full. I could eat and eat and eat and I would never be full so as a consequence I gained a lot of weight. It wasn't making me better. So, in the beginning of January, I moved on to a different medication, Ireven, as well as anti-biotics for my skin, which seems to be working for me so far.
The only thing I will say about Ireven is that its initial side effects are very severe so if you are prescribed it, I would proceed to take it with caution. The side effects for Ireven unlike Lexapro, lasted for a month instead of a couple of weeks. I was not constantly shaking like how I was on Lexapro although in anxious moments I could still shake my legs vigorously but that's more so anxiety.
The biggest side effect for me was that I had a few really bad low mood days. And when I say this, I mean from the moment I woke up, I would be uncontrollably crying and sobbing. I was hysterical and felt so heartbroken inside, over nothing. One of these days unfortunately I was in work where I was lucky enough to be surrounded by understanding and supportive co workers who knew I wasn't okay and unlike myself and stepped in to help me. Eventually, I had to have my partner pick me up from work early, after trying for about two hours to stop crying but I could not. I stood in the fridge out in the bay sobbing and crying trying to get it all out and compose myself before entering the shop floor but I couldn't. After he had taken me home, I eventually became so physically and mentally drained from the day that I stopped crying and woke up the next day better.
Another instance was when I woke up one day like a total zombie. I had no life in me to fake a smile or pretend everything was okay or do anything. I was so bad, that my angel of a manager sent me home after seeing me during the first twenty minutes of my shift. She said that I wasn't myself and the last place I needed to be was in work so she took the hit and let me go. Bless her.
Other than those few incidents in the first month of being on Irevne, I have seen a significant improvement in my mood so I would recommend if you are on it to just try and give it a shot and let it take its course. I am still coping with some side effects such as the constant sweating and weight gain and the likes but have still seen improvements so I am sticking with it.
January-Present: Coping with Depression and Anxiety
At the beginning of January, I made some pretty major decisions about my life. I had made the difficult and conscious decision to remove not one but two best and dear friends of mine from my life. I was in such a dark place that I needed to surround myself with people who really truly cared about me and these people really did not. I decided that if these people did not want me around or did not value my company or friendship then they weren't worth my time and energy. I had to prioritize myself at this point. This is a topic I might go into in a different blogpost later on.
I have been to counselling and with the support of my real friends and partner and family, I've been able to survive the college year and make it to the end including all of my exams. I recently landed a job as a Beauty Adviser in Marks and Spencer's which has made me extremely happy. (I love my new job.) I am really looking forward to working with makeup and feel like it's a huge step for me that will help make me happy. I am still struggling but I'm better. Everyday seems like a constant exhausting battle to just be okay. My doctor said it wouldn't be until about 6 months until I would start to feel better so until then, I'm doing the best I can.
I may do an updated post if anything changes or about how I am feeling or doing. If you're reading this and the symptoms are familiar, I want you to know that you are not alone. There is such astigmatism around depression and mental illness that I know it can be hard to confront, but everyone deserves to be happy and deserves to be okay. There are so many people and organisations out there for support that you are never alone. No matter who you are, you are loved and you deserve to be happy.
Much love,
Emily xx
Just a quick disclaimer that I feel obliged to include: This post is in no way attention seeking or pity seeking. I merely want to 1) explain my absence and 2) use my experience to help people perhaps understand what it's like to have depression and anxiety and maybe help anyone who themselves are going through it.
Without any further rambling, here's my journey with depression and anxiety so far...
October/November: The Symptoms
During this time I had begun to feel symptoms that I would soon find out were all related to depression and severe anxiety.
When I was 14, I was bullied in school and isolated from friends and had to deal with the deaths of classmates. I fell into a depressed state that with the help of a couple of years of counselling, I had overcome. I had thought that part of my life was over. I would always have good days and bad days but I learned how to handle the bullying and I felt like I was going to be okay.
Starting in October, I began to feel very low. Not in the way that I was just moody or in a bad mood, but I would wake up and not want to face the world. I wanted to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and stay where I was safe. Safe from what, I don't know. Nothing happened to bring on this state. Unlike when I was 14, there was no cause for feeling this way.
I would aimlessly lie awake at night, exhausted and wanting more than anything to fall asleep but unable to. I would endure the day physically and emotionally exhausted from the moment I got up to the moment I went to bed. I was doing this all while going to college full time and working part time.
In my first year of college, I was good at it. I could sit down and bang out essays in a day and get good grades and study for weeks and do well in tests. At this point, I would sit down at a desk in the library, have my laptop open, my notebooks next to me and could not concentrate for one minute on the assignment. I still loved my course. I was still interested in my modules. For the life of me I could not concentrate which was the most frustrating thing. I tried so hard to do well in school and get good grades and despite trying my best, I couldn't do the work.
It was around this time that I reached my breaking point and my partner encouraged me to seek help. I had finally reached the point where I couldn't do it on my own anymore so I made a doctor appointment the next morning. Having gone through depression before and knowing what it was like when caused by an event or situation, I knew this was different. I couldn't function. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't do the simplest of things. And there was no cause.
December: The Diagnosis
I went to college and I went straight to the doctor afterwards on my own. I explained to her what had been going on and how I knew this was something chemically wrong in my brain. There was history of mental illness in my genetics so it wasn't a huge surprise for me to have one. I told her what was different in my life. I told her that I couldn't concentrate in school. I no longer wanted to play music. I didn't want to do makeup. I didn't want to hang out with my bestest friends and with my partner whom I still loved. I couldn't get out of bed most days. I walked around almost like a zombie. I tried to be happy but I couldn't.
She had said that every single thing I said was a classic description of anxiety and depression. Because of my history with depression and the fact that I had tried to seek help before coming to the doctor, she was happy enough to prescribe me an anti-depressant/ anti-anxiety medicine, Lexapro.
At this point, the only people who knew that I had gone to the doctor was my partner. He was very supportive about it but concerned about me doing it on my own. I hadn't wanted to tell my parents for fear that they wouldn't want me to be on medication. I had reached such a low point and knew my only option for help was medication so I felt it best to put on my big girl panties and do for myself what I needed to do.
My boyfriend's parents had expressed their concerns about me after witnessing me unlike myself. They knew something was wrong and were concerned so with my permission, he explained to them what was going on. There support at this point was huge for me.
Unfortunately, Lexapro didn't take to me very well. I was made aware that the side effects would wear off after about two weeks but they didn't. I started to breakout with some serious acne all over my face. I was extremely shakey. I was never full. I could eat and eat and eat and I would never be full so as a consequence I gained a lot of weight. It wasn't making me better. So, in the beginning of January, I moved on to a different medication, Ireven, as well as anti-biotics for my skin, which seems to be working for me so far.
The only thing I will say about Ireven is that its initial side effects are very severe so if you are prescribed it, I would proceed to take it with caution. The side effects for Ireven unlike Lexapro, lasted for a month instead of a couple of weeks. I was not constantly shaking like how I was on Lexapro although in anxious moments I could still shake my legs vigorously but that's more so anxiety.
The biggest side effect for me was that I had a few really bad low mood days. And when I say this, I mean from the moment I woke up, I would be uncontrollably crying and sobbing. I was hysterical and felt so heartbroken inside, over nothing. One of these days unfortunately I was in work where I was lucky enough to be surrounded by understanding and supportive co workers who knew I wasn't okay and unlike myself and stepped in to help me. Eventually, I had to have my partner pick me up from work early, after trying for about two hours to stop crying but I could not. I stood in the fridge out in the bay sobbing and crying trying to get it all out and compose myself before entering the shop floor but I couldn't. After he had taken me home, I eventually became so physically and mentally drained from the day that I stopped crying and woke up the next day better.
Another instance was when I woke up one day like a total zombie. I had no life in me to fake a smile or pretend everything was okay or do anything. I was so bad, that my angel of a manager sent me home after seeing me during the first twenty minutes of my shift. She said that I wasn't myself and the last place I needed to be was in work so she took the hit and let me go. Bless her.
Other than those few incidents in the first month of being on Irevne, I have seen a significant improvement in my mood so I would recommend if you are on it to just try and give it a shot and let it take its course. I am still coping with some side effects such as the constant sweating and weight gain and the likes but have still seen improvements so I am sticking with it.
January-Present: Coping with Depression and Anxiety
At the beginning of January, I made some pretty major decisions about my life. I had made the difficult and conscious decision to remove not one but two best and dear friends of mine from my life. I was in such a dark place that I needed to surround myself with people who really truly cared about me and these people really did not. I decided that if these people did not want me around or did not value my company or friendship then they weren't worth my time and energy. I had to prioritize myself at this point. This is a topic I might go into in a different blogpost later on.
I have been to counselling and with the support of my real friends and partner and family, I've been able to survive the college year and make it to the end including all of my exams. I recently landed a job as a Beauty Adviser in Marks and Spencer's which has made me extremely happy. (I love my new job.) I am really looking forward to working with makeup and feel like it's a huge step for me that will help make me happy. I am still struggling but I'm better. Everyday seems like a constant exhausting battle to just be okay. My doctor said it wouldn't be until about 6 months until I would start to feel better so until then, I'm doing the best I can.
I may do an updated post if anything changes or about how I am feeling or doing. If you're reading this and the symptoms are familiar, I want you to know that you are not alone. There is such astigmatism around depression and mental illness that I know it can be hard to confront, but everyone deserves to be happy and deserves to be okay. There are so many people and organisations out there for support that you are never alone. No matter who you are, you are loved and you deserve to be happy.
Much love,
Emily xx
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